Fear & Triumph

A few months back, I came across the term zero certainty/zero fear. When I read it, I instantly had a pleasant physical reaction, akin to a radiant light in my solar plexus. My gut is where I get most of my intuitive direction, so I wrote the term down to think about later.

I have pondered it many times since then and many times it has helped me to release fear. For me, it has become a very powerful tool because if I can be okay with zero certainty (or in other words letting go of the outcome) I can find the courage to take any leap because, what is stopping me then?

Another tool I use to combat fear is being okay with being a beginner. It looks something like this:

  Hello, my name is Brenda and I have never done this before.

  Hello, this is my first time at this.

Hello, I have no idea what I am doing.

Hi, I would like to ____ and I know you have done it before, could you 

help me, please?

A real life example of this is that I have been taking piano lessons for ten years. 

When I began, I told my piano instructor, I know very little about reading notes and I am worried about getting my hands and feet to work independently. I basically need help with every aspect. That took all of the pressure off of me and I felt free to make mistakes. 

Can you imagine the human experience without fear? Sometimes we actually need fear to keep us safe as in, don’t touch that stove, don’t pet that lion, and don’t step in front of that car. Most of the time though fear is just our body trying to protect us from things that really don’t matter or that will never come to pass or if they do - will pass so quickly or be so insignificant we may never even notice.

Recently, I was tasked with writing down fifteen lifetime triumphs. Below is what came to mind. For the sake of this blog, I have added the fear element in parenthesis.

1. Quit smoking (fear of failure)
2. iPEC Certified Profession Coach (fear of not being good enough)
3. Certified Professional Trainer (fear of not being good enough)
4. Coached for Moms on the Run (fear of leading)
5. Obtained my Liberal Arts degree as an adult (fear of presentations)
6. Co-founded Sistas with Stride, an exclusive run club (fear of not being fast enough)
7. Running my first 5k, 10k, half-marathon, Iron Girl and Warrior Dash (fear of not finishing)
8. Raised 3 highly successful children (fear of imperfection)
9. Stroke survivor (fear of my own body)
10. Polar Plunge (fear of freezing to death)
11. Created a coaches Mastermind Group (fear of leading)
12. Piano (fear of sucking in dexterity)
13. Artwork (fear of no talent/creativity)
14. Mala making (no actual fear here)
15. Leaving an unhappy marriage with two small children (fear of the unknown)    

When reviewing these triumphs, every single one of them except #14 had an element of fear, and in most cases, a fairly significant element. In addition, in each of these experiences I reached out for help of some kind, admitting that I was a beginner. The final thing that I noted when reviewing them, was that every single one of them was my choice (with the exception of having the stroke – but the path I chose for recovery was completely mine).

I try to always live a life of no regrets which means that I face fear on a regular basis. I would rather try and fail than to regret never trying. What is the worst that can happen? Embarrassment? Disappointment? Yet, the best thing that can happen is triumph. Is it worth the risk? You bet it is.

What have you always wanted to do? What is stopping you? Are you able to take the first step if you let go of certainty? 

Be well.
Live Intentionally.
Create a life you love.

Much love,
Brenda

Work with me.

I AM.

I usually start planning my goals for the New Year in November. I love the feeling of wrapping up one year, while planning brand new goals for the upcoming year. I take this process seriously and I often try many goals and themes on for size before finally committing to just the "right" fit.

I like to have this all figured out before Christmas and then just relax, knowing that all I have to do over the holidays is to dream and start visioning. 

As a Coach, I often put goals through the SMART process (Is it - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Reasonable, Time-oriented). However, for the past several years, I have really wanted to work on being more PRESENT. Specific? Yes. Measurable? Not so much. 

Halt! And this is where I pick a different goal every time…until now.

While contemplating the dilemma of just how to fit presence into a little box that meets the SMART criteria, I decided that I would choose not to follow the rules (surprise, surprise) and I threw the little box out. 

Even though I believe that an outsider probably wouldn't be able to measure whether or not I am more or less present, at any given time, what really matters is that I will. After all, this is MY goal and surely I will know how many times I switch task, how many times I do more than one thing at a time, how distracted I am and how well I really listen or give my full attention on any given day.

Okay, whew. Decision made, that feels good.

And then, this happened…

While at a yoga studio for a Shamanic Medicine Drum Meditation, I spotted a sign hanging in the hallway. It said, “What if the only thing you focused on this year was loving yourself more?” Wait. What? Wow, that feels good right in my solar plexus. I should sit with that inviting thought for a while.

So I did.

But after a while…

Something didn’t feel quite right. Hmm, what could not feel right about that? And then it hit me.

It was too long.

In my humble opinion, the question should be, “What if the only thing you focused on this year was love?”

And with that thought, my heart center lit up along with my solar plexus.

YES. THIS.

And so, my 2018 vision board was born.

I am love.

I am presence.

I am curious.

I am beauty.

I am abundance.

I am joy.

I am growth.
I am grace.

I am health.

I am brave.

I am safe.

I AM.

Who are you and what are you focused on? I would love to know! Comment below or send an email to me. 

Much love,
Brenda

Check out my website here. 

A recommendated article for less stress and anxiety

Here is why I find this article especially interesting right now:  I am currently taking a science class, Physical Geology, to be exact. This class is the second most stressful class I have taken in my many years of taking classes.

There is a quiz in this class every single week. There are four exams including a midterm and a final. I have cried in this class on two occasions. My Professor is excellent. She has taught this material for years and she is PASSIONATE about it.

She has asked me on two occasions, what she can do to make the class more fun and less stressful. Both times, I replied, "Take away the tests." The truth is, this class would actually be fun, if I could just relax and not worry about memorizing everything.

My pattern:

Study…stress…quiz…stress…study…stress…test…stress. Repeat.

My Professor told me that there was NO WAY I could fail my class if I showed up every week and did the work. I decided that I needed to believe her.

I admit I am a student that likes to carry a 4.0 GPA. But I am also a person that feels stress in my body in the form of pain. I don't like pain. A couple of weeks ago, I was in so much pain that I put my books away for four straight days and concentrated on yoga, meditation and relaxing.   

I created a new pattern:

Study…believe…relax…quiz…study…believe…relax…test. Repeat.

Nothing has changed EXCEPT for the way I look at it. I am in charge either way. I feel better; no pain. 

I leave the quizzes and the tests for "future" Brenda. I don't carry the worry around with me. Today I may need to study or I may be done studying. The Brenda who shows up for the test will be prepared. I don't need to worry. The work is always done.

When I read this article, I recognized myself in it. I know others who would benefit from a little re-framing. I believe it's totally worth it. 

To read the article, click on the link below:

How to Reframe Your Stress & Anxiety Into Productivity

In love & light,

Brenda

Losing my beloved Dad

It is with sadness that I write about the hardest life lesson of my life; the death of my beloved Dad.

Although my Dad had lung cancer, he was not at all expected to die so soon. He only found out in mid-January and he only shared the news with me in mid-to-late February. He was only 70. 

When people ask me if it was expected, I am not quite sure what to say.  All of our parents must die and we know this, but I was not at all prepared for the sadness. I cried for days. I cried wherever I was, with whoever I was with, doing whatever I was doing. It mattered not. I wanted my Dad back (and still do).

It has been exactly 23 days since my Dad transitioned. I am told by others that have lost a parent that it doesn’t really quit sucking.  

I recently read an article on how to deal with people who have suffered the loss of a loved one. It basically said to let them know you are there for them, let them talk, share your memories, say their loved one’s name and resist the urge to talk about your own loss. I agree with all but the last point. 

Many people have shared their own story of losing a parent with me since my Dad died. Along with their story, they always give the best and tightest hugs. I love hearing parent/child love stories and I appreciate knowing that someone understands what I am going through and has felt the depth of grief that I am experiencing.  

Humans need other humans that understand.

As I was driving to work today, I was thinking about how out of the blue, the sadness hits me like a punch in the stomach and I very much feel like a little girl again who needs my blankie and my daddy. I am an eternal optimist but the only silver lining that I can see is that my Dad didn’t suffer long and that he didn’t have to settle for a reduced quality of life for a lengthy period of time.

My dad was very physical his entire life. Physical work, creating, fixing and helping others is what gave him purpose. The outdoors and time spent with his loved ones is what gave him joy.

The day my Dad left this earth was a sunny Monday in May (Mondays are hard).  

I was on sitting on my front step talking to my sister on the phone waiting for word, when a cardinal appeared. This cardinal was not at all ordinary.  First, it sat on the branch above my head staring at me until it got my attention. Then it flew across the street into the grass and it literally strutted back and forth in the grass like a chicken. Then it stared at me again looking proud as a peacock. I couldn’t help but laugh and describe to my sissy what I was seeing. Then the cardinal flew back onto the branch above my head.

I closed my eyes. I took a deep, deep breath. Unbeknownst to me, my sister was doing the same.

“He’s here now!” she exclaimed. “The cardinal is here, looking at me through the window!”

I looked up. My cardinal was gone.

My sister went on to say that she never sees cardinals at her place. A few minutes later, her cardinal flew away. A minute or so later, my cardinal reappeared. He found a worm and sat down in front of me and ate it. I didn’t even know that cardinals ate worms and my backyard bird feeders were recently filled to the brim with seed (It turns out that certain types of cardinals will eat worms during mating season). 

My Dad, however, was very much a meat and potatoes kind of guy. The last thing he enjoyed, that he lost through chemo, was his appetite. It must have been the last straw for him.

Sigh.

I have had many other signs of my Dad since the initial cardinal experience. A ton of cardinals but also electrical abnormalities, whispers in my ear, and even a shooting star. 

I talk to my Dad a lot, mostly in my head but sometimes out loud. I have tried to call him, twice. He didn't answer. I find myself saying, “I love you, Dad” out loud, A LOT. I have also said, “Dad, you big dummy” when I am missing him so much, and I can always see him smirk in my mind’s eye. I feel him. I know he walks with me and with his other beloveds as well.

I have changed a lot because of this experience. I am more sympathetic, because I have an understanding that I didn't have before. I am more thoughtful. I try to really "show up" for my own loved ones At the same time, I also honor the part of me that is protecting the fragile little girl inside who is still grieving and moving through this process. 

I am learning who I am now, without my Dad's physical presence.

Planning my Dad’s service was hard. We kids tried to do what Dad would have wanted, which made the decisions easier. Quite frankly though, Dad helped me get through the process. I kept thinking, “This is not hard compared to what Dad went through” and it kept me moving forward; it still does.

I wrote a personal reflection of my dad and my beautiful daughter, Leah, read it during his service. I share it with you here so that you can have a small glimpse of who my dad was:

My Dad

I am lucky, I have a lifetime of memories with my Dad. 

My Dad was playful.

My dad often came out to play with us kids when we were little. He played pump, pump pull away, red rover and tag, among other games. He bought us toys that scared my mother to death such as a mini bike, a three wheeler and even a pony.

When I told my dad that I wanted to learn to do a front handspring, he literally showed me how. I have to admit that it wasn’t the most graceful thing I have ever seen, but he also explained the dynamics of how to get over and I was doing front handsprings by the end of the day.

My dad loved to go camping and exploring, he enjoyed spending days at the lake. His favorite place to be - was outside. Because of my Dad, I was a tomboy who loved to climb trees, to get dirty, and to be outdoors. My Dad always said, “a little dirt never hurt anyone” and boy, did he mean it.

One of my favorite things when I was little was bundling up and riding on the bobcat while my Dad plowed the driveway.

I remember one time I got in the bucket of the bobcat and asked my dad to put me up in the air. He obliged and then he left me up there while he went back inside of the house and had his morning coffee. I guess he needed a break from me that day.

My dad was an extremely hard worker and a dreamer combined.

He liked to do physical things, he liked to tinker and fix things. When I tell you that he could look at a pile of junk and see nothing but opportunity, I am not kidding.  When I say that he could look at a shack yet see a castle, you better believe it. Nothing physical in my Dad’s world needed to be perfect, it only had to be, “good enough”.

He taught me work ethic, how to count change back, how to flip an egg, and the value of money.

My Dad was kind.

My Dad’s friends and neighbors, loved and respected him. He was often asked for help and he was helped in return. It always made him feel good to lend a helping hand.

He was curious about the nature of people. He was a man of few words but he was always listening and observing people. Many times he was amused or confused with the nature of people but rarely did he stand in judgment - although I did see him shake his head in wonderment quite often.

One time when I was very young, I was riding with my Dad in the car and I was telling him a story about something that happened – I don’t remember the details but I know I was mad about it. I will never forget his response, he said, “Brenda, you can’t be mad at people for being stupid; they can’t help it.” That was Dad’s way of telling me that people do the best they can with what they know.

My Dad loved animals.

I was never surprised to find out that not only was Dad feeding all of the feral cats in the neighborhood but he had named them too.  He was very creative with the naming, using names such as Blackey, Whitey and Tommy. 

The Gopher Turtles in Florida are protected. When Dad told me he had a couple living in his yard, I asked him to text me pictures, which he proudly did. I named the turtles that year and in keeping with Dad’s traditional naming, the big one was named Smalls.

---

Like each of us, Dad changed in some ways as he lived his days, but in many ways he stayed the same.

When Dad was younger, he used to say he didn’t plan to live past 50. “Live fast, die young”, he would say. As the years went by, Dad cherished the little things. He still loved the outdoors, tinkering, fixing, playing volleyball or bocce ball with his family.  He like to entertain his grand-kids with toys that worked…just good enough. He liked helping his friends and neighbors and getting together with loved ones.

My Dad was born on Independence Day, 1945

And in the spirit of his birthday, Dad did not like rules nor did he think it was his right to tell others how to live. Dad’s independence was extremely important to him. He was self-employed virtually his entire life. He liked to run his own show, set his own schedule, and make his own decisions.

Even when he found out he had Cancer, he kept it to himself for over a month. His main concern was to remain in control of his life and to be able to make all of his own choices.

I am so grateful that I was able to go for a visit and care for him and laugh and cry and be mad with him. Dad gave it the good fight but in the end, he decided that Cancer and chemo just weren’t for him.

My Dad gave me many gifts throughout my life, both tangible and not…but the greatest gift he ever gave me was when he said to me, “I want you to know that I am not afraid and I have left nothing left undone.”

And so in the spirit of my Dad, I pass his message of love on to you with this song: I Lived, by OneRepublic

Click here for the video > OneRepublic I lived

I would be remiss not to take this opportunity to thank the people that are getting me through this. First and foremost, my siblings and my husband. Without them, I would probably still be in bed, crying my eyes out. 

There is nobody in this world that can understand your position better than a sibling when you lose a parent. No words are even necessary with them. Hold tight to them, appreciate them if you have them. 

My husband, always my rock. He always just accepts me in whatever mood I am in. He always has hugs ready for me. He is my super hero (and my always).

My girlfriends who show up at my door, bring me flowers or wine, take me for a walk or a run, call me on the phone, give me hugs, and send me cards. 

My boss who told me to take however long I needed, take care of myself, don’t worry about work. He lets me have the space to grieve. 

My friends and family that sent cards and gave to my Dad’s memorial fund.

The countless number of texts and messages that were sent by people; close to me as well as acquaintances that just cared enough to send a note because they had lost a parent and completely understood. They continue to flow in.

I am available for hugs or just sitting with you. If you have a story to share with me, please do. Thank you for all of your love and support.

I hope that you spend your days and they all add up...

Be well.

In love & light,

Brenda

Alarms that go off in the night...

Last night we had a late (for the season) Christmas celebration with my in-laws, who had been out of town over the holidays.  It was a fun, laid back festivity.  My daughters, their beaus, plus my grandson were there as well.

I have had head congestion all week. Feeling under the weather and exhausted by the time the night came to a close, I headed to bed at about 11:15 pm

At around 11:30 pm, the carbon monoxide detector went off.  My husband and son were still up in the living room so I yelled out, "What's that noise?" My husband responded that it was the carbon monoxide detector.  It was a series of loud blips and then silence and then a series of loud blips again.

I got up as my husband, Paul,  was inspecting the unit.  Thinking that perhaps the back up batteries were low, Paul replaced them and then plugged the unit back in. The loud blips started again.  Ugh!

I said, "Well, we have to call someone." I had no idea who. I started to Google it while slipping on my boots & jacket and insisting everyone exit the house.  I stopped to coax our old dog up out of bed and headed out to my SUV.  I started it up, my son got the dog in the back seat, and I drove my vehicle across the street.

Meanwhile, Paul had grabbed a past energy bill that contained the number to call if such an event occurred and he was now standing just inside the open garage talking on his cell phone.

A service technician arrived within 15 minutes.  I am happy to report that the level of carbon monoxide within our home was zero. I learned many valuable lessons last night and I would like to share them with you.

• Some people (I won't name names) will resist the immediate need to leave the home. You must insist. Do not ignore the reason you have detectors in the first place. 
• If you Google who to call in this situation, it will say a qualified technician. Specifically, you should call whoever you pay your gas bill to. The exception to this is if you are experiencing carbon monoxide poisoning symptoms (dizziness, vomiting, headache, etc.), then you should call the fire department. Get to fresh air ASAP
• The dog will not appreciate being woken up and put in a cold vehicle for no good reason. He should have a treat afterward to soften his ordeal.
• Finally, an older carbon monoxide detector only last 5-7 years. I did not know this. Most people I have talked to did not know this. In fact, our qualified technician is the only one I have talked to, so far, who did know this.  Now you know it too. In August 2009, there was a change that requires carbon monoxide detectors to have an end life.  (More info...) Our detector was approximately 12 years old.

Wishing you all a peaceful, alarm free, night's sleep.

With Love, Brenda

Reflections of 2015 and New Beginnings

My theme for 2015 was “Go Slow”.  I chose that theme because my life had become chaotic and rushed. I couldn’t remember what I did an hour ago much less yesterday. I was (and still very much am) squirrel prone. 

I work on self-improvement with a great group of women through a success club called, Aspire. In addition to my annual theme, I set two big goals; to successfully complete three college classes and to dedicate more time to piano. I tried to keep it simple.

The thing is, go slow didn’t really start to click until a couple of months ago.

Beginning in January, I started to make very small changes. I was bound and determined to ditch the type “A” personality for something a little less…frenzied. I made tiny changes such as, setting the alarm for 6:16am instead of 6:15am, leaving work in the middle of a task (gasp), scheduling extra time in between appointments and by saying no sometimes, even when I wanted to say yes.

Now, whenever I feel rushed, I take a deep breath and I say (out loud if possible), “I have time”. I create space with my words. Instead of I am tired, I am rushed, I am mad, I now say, I choose to be tired, I choose to be rushed, I choose to be mad. This immediately provides me the opportunity to create something different.

Within this new space, I was able to clearly see some relationship changes that needed to be made.  For example, giving my loved ones the greeting that I feel in my heart for them; not just a passive hello. Giving longer hugs, putting my phone down and paying attention; to name a few.

Inspired by a beautiful quote: Don’t ever stray away from yourself to get closer to someone else - (author unknown); I realized that I had changed for some friends and not for the better. I had done so by not saying the words that needed to be said, and by not drawing the appropriate boundaries (for some). I promised myself to be authentic.

In Aspire this year, we worked a lot on vulnerability and I came to realize that not everyone I meet should be privy to my deepest thoughts and dreams. Kindness is inclusive, but that means different things for different people. I want my closest friends to have depth, to be caring and to be able to talk about things, deeply.

I learned to ask, “What would love do here?” Sometimes love would divulge & share, sometimes love would give a hug, sometimes love would let go.

I had a friend whose God obviously thought I was going to hell and she was always praying for me (many times right to my face). Luckily, I had another friend that said, “That is not okay, and if her God thinks you are going to hell, you should say, buh-bye”. So I let go.

I stopped Facebooking and texting so much. I picked up the phone. I sent a card. I set up a date. I created more space for true friendship to grow and prosper.

I took a serious look at things I wanted to stop doing, continue doing and start doing.

Some things that made the stop doing list: selling 31 (still love the product), scheduling things so close together, watching television, putting time & effort into relationships that are one sided, looking at my phone when other people are around.

Some things that made the continue doing list: improving on the piano, my health initiatives (running, strength, yoga, eating the right things), massages, pedicures, chiro adjustments, Aspire, college classes, gratitude journal and self-improvement.

Some things that made the start doing list: always buying quality, reading more, being present, pausing to make space, asking more questions, being a better listener, letting go of things that don’t make me better and decluttering.

As things got rolling at the end of this year, I started to look forward to next year. I celebrated the winter solstice wholeheartedly as just the beginning of bringing back the light.

My annual theme in 2016 is Renewal. I have already started…

•   I got a tattoo; a spirit bear.
•   I had new pics taken for my social media & professional sites.
•   I strayed away from a Covey planner for the first time in over twenty years and went with The Happiness Planner instead.
•   I bought a new yoga mat.
•   I added another person to my care team (Dr. Mike)
•   I started my own, (unfinished – in progress) list of commandments(for lack of a better word):

·         I shall pay for quality

·         I shall convey proper heartfelt greetings

·         I shall practice presence especially with living beings

·         I shall practice, play and make progress on the piano

·         I shall make healthy decisions daily (food, exercise, rest, and rejuvenation)

·         I shall be a gentle & graceful human by listening and seeking to understand other humans

·         I shall speak my truth with strength and kindness but remain open to all viewpoints

·         I shall brand myself beautiful in every way (my clothes, my space, my words, my writing)

·         I shall infuse love and care into key relationships with my beloveds

A few more thoughts before I go, starting with a quote by Alan W. Watts:

“No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.”

This quote speaks to my soul and reminds me to enjoy the journey. It reminds me to take time to rest and to just be.

I would like to wish everyone peace, love and light.

Love, Brenda

My TC 10 Mile Journey

I started running in April of 2011. My first official 5k was in August of the same year. I have never looked back. I have completed a handful of half marathons along with countless shorter races ranging in distance from 5k – 10 miles.

For the past few years, my family has participated in the Mankato River Ramble, a biking adventure.  I love this tradition - except for one thing; it has always fallen on the same weekend as the Medtronic Marathon and TC 10 Mile. This year, they fall a week apart. As soon as I became aware of that information, I started plotting to get a spot in the 10 mile.

 

A friend had asked if anyone was interested in entering the lottery as team. As soon as the lottery opened, I started bugging her…what is our team name? Is it set up? Is it ready now? How about now?  My friend is a saint (you should check her out - she owns Twin Cities Jogging Tours).

On July 8, I entered the lottery. On July 22, I received my congratulations letter.

On August 12, I officially hired a running coach. My coach is awesome (you should check her out here or have a listen). Sara has run the TC 10 mile seven times (including this year). I felt more than confident training under her mastery.

SHE MADE ME LOVE HILL REPEATS.  Wait, what? Oh, yes!

Initially, I corresponded with Sara over email and then we agreed to meet up in person to see if we were a good fit. We hit it off immediately (runners hug).  With a little insight into my personality, Sara put together a plan for me which we “shared” in google docs. This was great because I was able to make notes about my workout: how it went, my effort, when I did it, how it felt.  Sara would in turn comment back so I had instant feedback. In addition we had weekly check-ins (either by phone or in person).

Sara is so encouraging and even when she scolds, she is encouraging.  One week, I squeezed in two hard workouts in a row and she responded with, “NO! I mean, nice work! But don't do two hard days in a row! Rule #1. If you have to skip a week, you have to skip a week, and that's ok.” It is? Wow, how could you not love someone who treats you like that?

Sara taught me a lot of things including how to do hill repeats properly. What the length of the hill should be, the steepness, the time it should take to get to the top, proper form, etc. I started to look forward to my hill repeats every week. I even brought my friends, who started to love them too.

Sara knows about the hills on the TC 10 mile, she’s had a lot of experience with them and she wanted me to be ready. She let me know there would be “some hills” and that she wanted me to be prepared.

One day, I happened to catch the podcast and I heard her say that the race is pretty much all uphill - except for the last bit – which is a downhill finish.  By the time, I heard her say it; hills were just another thing to conquer one step at a time and I was not afraid.

Have Fun, Don’t Die

During my last shake out run, I intended to run five miles out my front door. It was the hottest part of the day and windy too, but I really wanted to get the run in. My son’s girlfriend was over for a visit. She also happens to run Cross Country. She asked me how far I was going and as I headed out the door, she said, “Have fun”. I half laughed and said (very unconvincingly), “Okay”.  To which she responded, “Well don’t die”. She went on to say that the girls on her team say that to each other and my new mantra became: Have fun, don’t die, because surely I could accomplish at least that.

As I ran that day, I paid particular attention to the world around me. I am a glass half full kind of girl in general and joyful by nature, but I really needed that reminder. I thought about how lucky I am to be able to run. I certainly don’t have to, I choose to.

I always run with only one earbud in because I like to hear the world around me and I like to listen to my breathing. That day, I enjoyed the music, the peace, my alone time. I appreciated the guy I could hear yelling from inside his house, “Go, go, go, yeaaahhh, touchdown!”  I enjoyed the flowers and the lady who stepped outside to smoke (yes, I use to do that – I know better now and so I run instead).

By mile four the heat started to get to me and instead of struggling, I chose to walk the last mile. However, when I hit the last hill, I ran all the way up for Sara.

The Day Before the Big Race

All was well up until the day before the race when I started to worry. I was afraid of being late. I even questioned my readiness. What should I wear? Should I take advantage of the bag drop? Where were we going to park? Should we take the light rail instead?  I was so nervous. I decide to get some support through my friends and so I posted my concerns to Facebook. While I was writing my post, I remembered my mantra and I shared it with others. That in itself helped, but in addition to that, my friends (runners or not) offered nothing but words of encouragement.  

I set my alarm and went to bed.  The next morning, I sprung out of bed. I had set everything I needed out so that I wouldn’t have to think much or wake up my hubby. I made a cup of coffee. I cannot eat before a race, it does not matter the distance. I always have one cup of coffee plain and I sip water on the way. I am sure to hydrate the day/night prior. I was ready to leave in no time flat. Then, I had to wait for my ride. I am not at all good at waiting. I even started to pace. My friend was on time, maybe even a bit early (to be clear - it wasn’t her, it was me).

 As soon as I got in her SUV, I blurted out, “I am so nervous!” She asked why and I pouted, “I don’t know!” She is wonderful, her name is Adrienne. She said there was nothing to worry about and she was right. As soon as she said it, I decided to surrender to what was happening just at this very moment.

She parked us ONE block from the starting line in a parking ramp that has a HEATED lobby and an INDOOR - CLEAN bathroom and it only cost FOUR dollars.  Isn’t she terrific?

Driving Miss Basket Case

We took advantage of both the heated lobby and the glorious bathroom. I had heard someone say that the elites would be taking off at 7am, which would put corral 1’s departure at around 7:08 or so and since I was in corral 4 and also not in a crazy hurry to stand out in the cold, we waited until shortly after 7am to head out. 

At that time, we were on a mission to find another friend named Becca. This was specifically important because this was Becca’s longest distance race to date. Becca and I did a lot of our training together (even the hills). I wanted to start the race with her. Believe it or not, with a little luck (and a cell phone), we located her among the sea of runners with plenty of time to spare.

Becca's Longest Distance

Finally, it was time for our corral to take the starting line. My coach warned me not to start out too fast. The crowd made that objective easy as I think we travelled in a tight grouping for about the first two miles (though I lost my friends right away). I was surprised by how long it took the runners to spread out. It wasn’t because there were a lot of walkers, but simply because there were so many people. The pace was decent though so I didn’t stress out. 

I tend to run a 6 min/walk 30 sec interval but I skipped a couple walks completely and shortened all of the others. I recognize the first monster hill as one that I had run on the Moustache Run. I recognized the second monster hill as one that I had struggled with during the MDRA Mother’s Day 5k. Not this day; I took those hills by storm. There were a few more ups and downs but it seemed to eventually settle into just a mild (never-ending) incline.

I am not one for cheering crowds. I did not take water or electrolytes at any of the water stops. I kept my head up despite the crowd and I ran down the middle of the road (sorry no high fives today).  At mile five a volunteer yelled out, “You are half way there!” I found myself saying, “Shut the hell up”, but only loud enough for me to hear (I know he meant well, but come on). I ran strong and I wondered at what point would I lose my steam?

I enjoyed the signs, my music, and my peace. I appreciated the volunteers. My favorite sign was one that said, “No Walken Here” and had a big Christopher Walken head glued to it. That may have been the first time in a long time that a cowbell did not come up with regard to Christopher Walken.

I saw a couple of people that I know cheering. I saw two, “Black Lives Matter” shirts. One was on a lady running and one was on a guy walking down the sidewalk. I heard there was a peaceful protest off the main route but I never saw it.

Before I knew it, I was running passed the James J. Hill house and I knew the descent to the finish was all that remained.  With joy, I ran down the hill and continued to run strong through the finish.  This was the first long race where I felt strong from start to finish. 

I received my medal from a little boy and headed for the water. I was given a thermal blanket and quite quickly, I had more snacks than I could carry.

I stopped for a finisher’s photo, all salty and flushed face. I laughed as the photographer asked the lady in front of me if she wanted to get in with the guy who was waiting for his photo to be taken. She replied “No, I don’t know him.” I think she should have gotten in the photo anyway.

The race was well organized in every way except for the finisher shirt retrieval, which seemed like a free for all.  Also, once I had my shirt, I must have dropped it ten times. Who wants to carry a shirt around when you already have a fistful of snacks?  I passed on the free beer and opted for the Caribou instead, the designated spot to meet up with my friends.

We drank coffee, took some photos, soaked it all in.  We had fun, and we didn’t die.

Me, Becca, Adrienne & Liz

As I boarded the bus, I was already dreaming about next year. As always, #IRun4Dylan

Me & My Beloved Dylan

Grand Adventures

Happy 2014 to you!

Yes, I know it’s February and so much has already happened. We spent New Year’s in Florida, I had a birthday, and Phil saw his shadow (again).

Alas, I am starting to notice the days are getting longer but I am still a bit leery of the deep freeze. I honestly cannot recall a winter as cold as this one. School has been cancelled a total of five unplanned days so far; unheard of. Even for us Minnesota natives, it has been quite brutal. There have been many days that I have let myself off the hook and allowed my schedule to fall apart. AND, I was perfectly OK doing so. Lucky for me, I had plenty of friends show up at just the right moment to remind me that it is an acceptable choice to do absolutely nothing.

I learn a lot about myself when I move out of enthusiasm and into acceptance. The more I do it, the easier it becomes. With that said, I still had planning to do. The first thing on the agenda was to establish my theme for the year. This year, I chose Engagement. I want to be present in the moment(s) and I want to grow through adventure. I also want to be of service. Thus my goals for this year are: to engage in a brand new adventure every month and to volunteer every month. 

Another important aspect of my 2014 planning was to have an accountability partner. I realize that being an accountability partner is a big responsibility but so is choosing one. I have a lot of great people in my life but I did not take the choosing lightly. I really trust this person. I can confide in her, laugh & have play dates with her, cry & bitch to her. I can COUNT ON HER. Luckily for me, she accepted the role and agreed to not only make sure I met my goals but she also agreed to be an active participant.  Wow, am I lucky or what?   

I am not going to sugar coat it; I am affected by the weather in both good and bad ways. All that planning and thinking without sunshine was EXHAUSTING. I think I took a little rest after all that. Eventually though, it was time to start ENGAGING. So I put together my 2014 Vision Board which really lifted my spirits.

My 2014 Vision Board

Next up was to meet my own expectations for January.  As far as the volunteering I chose Feed My Starving Children. I spent two days packing food. As a bonus, my husband and son participated as well. Both of them had done FMSC in the past and it was a very fulfilling experience for all.

My Son is in the Roll Tide shirt (middle). 
Look at all these awesome kids.

Lynn, Rachel, Liz
Inset: My husband and my son (Paul & August)

Next was the adventure. I chose The Saint Paul Winter Carnival. I have once been to the ice sculptures as a child. I was riding somewhere with my dad and could see the sculptures from the car window. I asked to stop and he did. I was simply delighted and humbled with the beauty. I wanted to experience that again as an adult.

 

2014 Saint Paul Winter Carnival, Rice Park

One short term goal that I am working on is training for the Hot Chocolate 15k which takes place on April 19. Yes, I have run further; but not this early in the year.  I think I really need something to keep me moving until spring gets here. More to come on short term goals in future posts.

I would love to hear your goals for 2014.  I am also open to adventure suggestions and volunteer opportunities. I will be participating in the Special Olympics Polar Plunge and also zipline as two of my adventures but I still have nine months to plan for.

Actually, the best gift you could have given her was a lifetime of adventures. ~ Lewis Carroll

Past, Present & Future

At my last physical, my doctor told me that I have low iron. What a relief. No wonder I have felt so tired. It’s certainly easier to find the solution once the problem has been identified. Getting my iron back up has proven to be no easy task though, especially since I am a vegetarian. I did find a good list of foods that are high in iron and acceptable as a vegetarian. Who knew that kale has more iron than beef? I also received a tip from a good friend who suggested that I cook everything in a cast iron skillet (I welcome any other natural tips as well, please message me or leave them in the comments section).

Fall came upon us around the same time. I have accepted that I don’t transition well from summer to fall. I try to do everything I can to embrace fall, but quite frankly, I suck at it. One of my defense mechanism for SAD, is to just keep moving. Which is hard enough during a normal year and even harder when battling an iron deficiency. A couple of weeks ago, I allowed myself to skip Body Pump at the gym and grab my blankie and curl up on the couch instead (unheard of in my world). I felt wonderful and guilty and scared all at the same time.

It’s wonderful to be surrounded by the right people. I am lucky to have had a massage appointment shortly after the blankie incident. My masseuse happens to be a very wise woman. I am fortunate to have her as one of my caregivers. When she asked me what was, “going on”. I filled her in on all of the above. I told her that I just wanted to hibernate. She responded by telling me (gently) that I should honor that feeling, observe it and allow myself the renewal of this season. It was music to my ears, said in such a way and with so much care that my body dropped the guilt and the fear right then and there.

Life has been better since. Her words caused me to slow down - not in a daily kind of way but in a moment kind of way. My days are still busy, but my moments are more thoughtful and decisive.They take less energy and sometimes they even feel like a blankie.

Since then, I have been planning my goals for next year. I have two main goals picked out. My favorite part about next year’s goals is that I have an accountability partner. I am so psyched about this. My accountability partner is one of my dearest friends. AND, my goals are set up in such a way that we will be plotting and having adventures together, the entire year, guaranteed. I will be declaring these goals in a future blog so check back if you’re interested.

In the meantime, I have decided to do a detox for myself. I am on the quest to leave the Halloween candy behind and get back to the basics of eating. I am starting a five day program on Sunday and then going into a maintenance phase with the help of my chiropractic clinic. This is a lifestyle re-adjustment, not a diet. I have done it in the past. For those of you who know me well, you are aware that I don’t do rules well.  I don’t like boundaries set for me; and that will be the toughest part of the first five days for me. I have a plan to remind myself that this detox is a choice, not a rule (pray for me anyway). I am happy to live in the 80/20 eating rule after that.

I am looking forward to remaining active in the next couple of months while honoring the part of me that wants to rest and renew.  I plan to stay mindful and thoughtful in my movements and decisions. I hope that you are honoring the spirit in you that comes out during this season as well.

You

I found out early this morning that a friend that I haven’t seen in several years, took his life last night. He was a being of tremendous light, with a warm smile and a kind spirit.  I was lucky to be counted as his friend because he was fiercely loyal and loving. Yet I wonder if he knew that.
 

He was from the East coast, Italian, and could cook a calzone that would knock your socks off.

He suffered from severe ADHD. From the outside we (his friends) accepted this about him and chalked it up to an endearing, sometimes comical, sometimes annoying personality trait.  Just a part of who he was.  He, however, did not see this as anything but an obstacle in his life, something that totally f’d it up.  He was vocal about that.  We listened.  We didn’t know what more to do.

The news this morning started an email/message session among a circle of friends who knew him while he was here in Minneapolis. With sentiments like, “I can’t believe it” and, “Just so sad, so tragic”.

As we created a space where we could share our sadness and start to process our loss, it came to me that this beautiful person (who is surely at peace now) would want us to celebrate his light and the loving soul that he is. He would want us to celebrate the times when his smile lit up the room.

And I said so.   

This was not the only news I received this morning. I received news of the birth of a new baby for another friend of mine (which also occurred last night).  And so, I was texting, “How are you, how is the baby, what color eyes, congratulations, so exciting, etc.” 

A brand new beginning. A brand new life with a blank canvas just waiting to be painted.  Hope, love and joy all in one tiny little bundle. An event to celebrate. I cannot wait to meet the new little guy.

And I said so.

I am working today.  I am running around preparing for meetings, putting together files, booking flight arrangements, answering emails.  I am thinking about my friends.  I am hoping that someone said, you matter.

I am wanting you to know that you matter to me.  That the world needs you.  That if you every feel so much despair that you want to leave, to call me, to tell me.  I will remind you that you matter.

And I had to say so.