Past, Present & Future

At my last physical, my doctor told me that I have low iron. What a relief. No wonder I have felt so tired. It’s certainly easier to find the solution once the problem has been identified. Getting my iron back up has proven to be no easy task though, especially since I am a vegetarian. I did find a good list of foods that are high in iron and acceptable as a vegetarian. Who knew that kale has more iron than beef? I also received a tip from a good friend who suggested that I cook everything in a cast iron skillet (I welcome any other natural tips as well, please message me or leave them in the comments section).

Fall came upon us around the same time. I have accepted that I don’t transition well from summer to fall. I try to do everything I can to embrace fall, but quite frankly, I suck at it. One of my defense mechanism for SAD, is to just keep moving. Which is hard enough during a normal year and even harder when battling an iron deficiency. A couple of weeks ago, I allowed myself to skip Body Pump at the gym and grab my blankie and curl up on the couch instead (unheard of in my world). I felt wonderful and guilty and scared all at the same time.

It’s wonderful to be surrounded by the right people. I am lucky to have had a massage appointment shortly after the blankie incident. My masseuse happens to be a very wise woman. I am fortunate to have her as one of my caregivers. When she asked me what was, “going on”. I filled her in on all of the above. I told her that I just wanted to hibernate. She responded by telling me (gently) that I should honor that feeling, observe it and allow myself the renewal of this season. It was music to my ears, said in such a way and with so much care that my body dropped the guilt and the fear right then and there.

Life has been better since. Her words caused me to slow down - not in a daily kind of way but in a moment kind of way. My days are still busy, but my moments are more thoughtful and decisive.They take less energy and sometimes they even feel like a blankie.

Since then, I have been planning my goals for next year. I have two main goals picked out. My favorite part about next year’s goals is that I have an accountability partner. I am so psyched about this. My accountability partner is one of my dearest friends. AND, my goals are set up in such a way that we will be plotting and having adventures together, the entire year, guaranteed. I will be declaring these goals in a future blog so check back if you’re interested.

In the meantime, I have decided to do a detox for myself. I am on the quest to leave the Halloween candy behind and get back to the basics of eating. I am starting a five day program on Sunday and then going into a maintenance phase with the help of my chiropractic clinic. This is a lifestyle re-adjustment, not a diet. I have done it in the past. For those of you who know me well, you are aware that I don’t do rules well.  I don’t like boundaries set for me; and that will be the toughest part of the first five days for me. I have a plan to remind myself that this detox is a choice, not a rule (pray for me anyway). I am happy to live in the 80/20 eating rule after that.

I am looking forward to remaining active in the next couple of months while honoring the part of me that wants to rest and renew.  I plan to stay mindful and thoughtful in my movements and decisions. I hope that you are honoring the spirit in you that comes out during this season as well.

You

I found out early this morning that a friend that I haven’t seen in several years, took his life last night. He was a being of tremendous light, with a warm smile and a kind spirit.  I was lucky to be counted as his friend because he was fiercely loyal and loving. Yet I wonder if he knew that.
 

He was from the East coast, Italian, and could cook a calzone that would knock your socks off.

He suffered from severe ADHD. From the outside we (his friends) accepted this about him and chalked it up to an endearing, sometimes comical, sometimes annoying personality trait.  Just a part of who he was.  He, however, did not see this as anything but an obstacle in his life, something that totally f’d it up.  He was vocal about that.  We listened.  We didn’t know what more to do.

The news this morning started an email/message session among a circle of friends who knew him while he was here in Minneapolis. With sentiments like, “I can’t believe it” and, “Just so sad, so tragic”.

As we created a space where we could share our sadness and start to process our loss, it came to me that this beautiful person (who is surely at peace now) would want us to celebrate his light and the loving soul that he is. He would want us to celebrate the times when his smile lit up the room.

And I said so.   

This was not the only news I received this morning. I received news of the birth of a new baby for another friend of mine (which also occurred last night).  And so, I was texting, “How are you, how is the baby, what color eyes, congratulations, so exciting, etc.” 

A brand new beginning. A brand new life with a blank canvas just waiting to be painted.  Hope, love and joy all in one tiny little bundle. An event to celebrate. I cannot wait to meet the new little guy.

And I said so.

I am working today.  I am running around preparing for meetings, putting together files, booking flight arrangements, answering emails.  I am thinking about my friends.  I am hoping that someone said, you matter.

I am wanting you to know that you matter to me.  That the world needs you.  That if you every feel so much despair that you want to leave, to call me, to tell me.  I will remind you that you matter.

And I had to say so.

The Magic Hair Tie

I find it is easy to be unfocused and super distracted when life moves so quickly. In my last blog, I talked about clearing the calendar a bit.  Guess what happens when I do that?  There is suddenly room to put MORE stuff in the calendar.  Sigh, I just have to accept that I am happiest when my days are full of LIFE.

Nonetheless, I decided I still needed an attitude change.  I was feeling awfully judgmental and intolerant towards people in general.  Hmm…solution, solution, solution? Finger tap, tap, tap.  How can I fix this? 

Then I remembered a line from the optimist creed: Promise yourself ~ To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. 

Yes!  Wait…how am I going to remember to do that?  Then I spotted a hair tie with one simple purple bead on it.  I put it on my wrist.  It felt good.  It is now my reminder to focus on myself and what I can change to be a better person.

I am stilling clearing and adding to my schedule.

I am still slowing down my actions and that still seems to be slowing down time.   

I am still focusing on keeping balanced.

I am still taking deep breaths.

I am realizing that when people don’t do the right thing, or when they don’t keep commitments or they don’t honor friendships or they drive like maniacs or they take up two parking spots it is absolutely NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I am busy working on myself right now.

And I am honoring the place within others of love, of light, of truth, of peace; I am honoring the place within others, where, when they are in that place in them, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us.

 
The place that is filled with joy, respect, understanding and growth.

Seize the Day

Lately, I have found myself in a lot of mini-states of dread. On my to-do list, I have a bunch of things that I want to do along with a bunch of things that I love to do. But then, there are those other items that should get done or even have to get done. Some of those things are okay too, but some of those things I really don’t want to do at all. I call that a state of dread. Because I am stubborn and rebellious, I tend to put those things off even when they will only take me a couple of minutes. I just don’t want to [foot stamp].

Last Friday, I went into work and I felt instantly restless. Yes, I had some things that needed to be done there. I also had a list of personal errands running through my head. I looked at one of my bosses and said, “I have some errands to run today, so let’s wrap this up.”  Mind you, it was only 8:05am.  Lucky for me, I work with bosses that actually “get” me. Or at least they accommodate my whimsical playful spirit. I was practically bouncing in my chair. He set me free.

I quickly completed my errands and then I found myself with some delicious and rare free time.  The day was beautiful so I did what any crazy busy person would do; I headed to the peaceful Minnesota Landscape Arboretum…all by myself.

Here is what I discovered that day:

·         For me so much can depend on the weather

 

·         The sun is one my greatest joys, flowers are another

 

·         Slow down and breathe deep

 

 

·       When I am annoyed at someone it’s about me, not about them

·          Having no agenda is a gift

·         Getting lost can be soothing and off the beaten path is better than on it

·       When I do training runs at the Arboretum: I hate them because they are difficult, I love them because they are difficult (and beautiful)

Wonder © Ask © Listen © Be

 

Today is another beautiful Friday.  I am starting to bounce in my chair.  I have items on my to-do list.  I don’t want to be in dread. 

 

Focus © Do © Enjoy...

Deep Breath

It’s true, I haven’t done so well getting my blog written.  I even had one very dear friend tell me that she removed me from her “favorites” on the basis of lack of activity or rather no activity.  In her defense, a couple of weeks prior, she did (somewhat) nonchalantly mention that she hadn’t seen a post from me in a while…a very long while. This blog is for her, with love.

My calendar is usually pretty full and there isn’t a lot of down time.  This drives my husband and sometimes my kids and close friends a little nuts.  My good friend *Rhonda described it perfectly when she wrote, “I am aware that for some, I need to slow down.” Wow, right?  I LOVED reading that line.  I wrote it down. I read it over and over because finally I knew that someone else gets it.

Just to be clear, I am not a “yes girl”.  I am very selective about what goes on my calendar. Usually, having my calendar full makes me feel joyful and enthusiastic. But every once in a while, I start to feel…well…exhausted.  This is exactly what happened to me a couple of months ago. 

Then one day, I opened up my calendar and I took a deep a breath (okay it was more of a gasp), and I deleted something. I felt a little space (deep breath), so I deleted something else and continued this process until I felt like I had a whole lot of space.  And then, I used the space to (get ready for this)…nap and just BE.

It was in that space that I remembered (quite vividly) a little panic attack that I had upon turning the age of forty.  The panic attack involved the thought that I had lived half of my life and that I still had so much to do and see. I decided right then and there that there was no more time to lose.  I had to get moving…I had to get doing. That was five years ago, no wonder I was tired. 

I am working on a little bit of a slowdown mode right now.  I am not very good at it. I was even a little worried about it so I consulted with Dr. Christi, my good friend and life coach.  After asking a few questions, she assured me that I am still working on growth and living in joy and that there are times when we just have to enjoy what we have created so far.

My calendar is still relatively full but I am trying to leave some breathing room and I think that it may take a little bit more time for me to master the balance (maybe this could be my goal). But here is what I have discovered so far:

Slowing down for me means deleting random emails that I know are invites for adventure (something I love) without reading them.  It means waiting 24 hours before committing to more.  It means looking at my calendar and really being mindful of back to back to back events.  It means slowing down my movements because time really does slow down when I am not rushing about. It means that things don’t have to be perfect. It means that it’s okay to be late or to leave early. It means that naps are acceptable and encouraged. It means that open space doesn’t have to be filled and blogs can wait.

It means that good enough really is good enough.   

Wishing you love, adventure and space.

~© Brenda

*Rhonda Scharf, CSP – For more information on Rhonda click here  

**Dr. Christi – For more information on Dr. Christi click here

Decisions & Detours

Time is flying by and the month of discipline has come to an end.  I did okay but not good enough to move on.  I am keeping the goals of practicing piano at least 2.5 hours and cleaning up my diet.  I am starting to think that a month for a set of goals is one month too short.  It has been akin to me doing Zumba...just when I start to get the hang of it...it changes.

I have also decided to put my violin savings and lessons on hold until I am further along into my piano lessons.  Instead, I am in search of my inner Nemo.  I have taken the money I was saving for the violin and purchased a new Speedo; probably the nicest swimsuit I have ever owned.  I spent an entire evening perusing Amazon.com.  I looked at hundreds of suits and even took the time to read the reviews. I have owned my current suit for longer than I have known my husband I think. My new suit arrived yesterday and surprisingly, I love it.

I used the remaining money to sign myself up to begin Stroke Development mid April.  Yes, I can swim; after all I was raised in the land of 10,000 lakes. I realize though that I have a lot of room for form improvement.  I can't stand chlorine but I know the benefits are endless.  I have been told that it will make me a better runner, I have also been told that it is the most efficient way to exercise because it hits all of the muscles at once.  I am hoping to love it enough to continue on to take Fitness Development and to eventually swim laps with my hubby.  Suz, (my beloved running partner) thinks this has tri written all over it. Well I guess we will see about that.

Last week I started coaching the preseason of Moms on the Run and I am enjoying it immensely.  I had a super special request though which came from my hubby.  After two years of listening to me talk about running, he has asked me to train him.  I am acting nonchalant about it but I am SO excited.  My husband and running...definitely two of my favorite things.

Okay, now onto my new goals list. April is my month of kindness:

• Leave a love note, write a thank you, send a card or do a random act of kindness everyday
• Speak only positive, kind words
• Be thoughtful
• Continue to work on goals from last month (practice piano at least 2.5 hours per week & clean up my diet)
• Begin the search for my inner Nemo (or at least my inner Dory)

Here is to purposely taking the long road sometimes and enjoying the journey.

Namaste

Although I made progress in February, a success it was not.  I am surprised at how quick it went by and yet glad to see it behind me.

January and February have always been a challenge for this optimist. Yes, I use a happy light and yes, I double my vitamin D but wow the heaviness I feel.  I love this beautiful state that I live in but the winter is about three months too long.  Too many Monday morning storms (aren't Mondays challenging enough), too many days of having to run indoors, too many layers and not enough sun. 

What I wanted to focus on in February (instead of my goals) was crawling into bed and staying there until spring.  However, I did manage to improve my focus and response, albeit slightly, but still some forward progress was made. I did only blog once last month but only 28 days? Where is the rest of the month?  I protest.

Happily moving into March, my month of discipline. My goals:

• To practice piano 2.5 hours per week (however I can fit it in my schedule)
• To make meals colorful with more fruits and veggies, decrease processed food and try to eliminate most white

I very much enjoy playing my piano but I find it similar to writing. I just need to get my butt in the chair . Once I get started, I am joyful and time passes quickly. If I am tired or down, playing piano always lifts me up; so I am choosing to do more of it.

I chose the latter goal because another thing that happens to me at the end of winter is that I feel hungry...a lot.  My clothes are a little snug, I crave comfort foods.  Most of you know that I am a vegetarian.  I pride myself in being well educated in nutrition.  I know that the main entree for a vegetarian is vegetables, not pasta or things that come out of a box.  I know the healthiest meals are the most colorful ones; full of a veggies, a little fruit and legumes with some grains or nuts tossed in. With spring right around the corner, it is time to get my food choices back in line.

I find it is easier to make good choices when I ask myself what nutritional value a specific food is going to bring to my body before I put it in my mouth.  Sometimes the answer to that is zero.  It is fairly easy not to eat things that will not be of any value whatsoever to my body. 

I will continue to work on mindfulness as well.

It is because of  love, joyful friendships and movement that these are the days. 

The light in me honors the light in you. 

Bring on the light.

February Challenges

I thoughtfully named February my month of mindfulness. My goals this month obviously require this from me.

• Focus on one thing at a time
• Don't leave a trail, pick up after yourself
• Awareness (how can I improve this situation or what needs to be said or done here?)
• Breathe and create space before responding

Already ten days into the month and I feel woefully behind.  Early on in the month, I decided to add another goal that was actually measurable and that is to re-read Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now.

I used to be extremely efficient at focusing on one thing at a time...and then social media came along. I love being able to connect 24 hours a day with the people I love. I love knowing what is going on in the lives of my friends and family.  I have been hopelessly addicted to Facebook for a couple of years now.  It allows me the opportunity to see pictures of all the great events of the people I care about.  I find out about run events and upcoming music and so much more.  Maybe because I am crazy about it, I should give it up.  I used to feel panic at that thought. I feel I have made progress because I can type that and remain calm.  Two days ago, I became unable to upload pictures to my Facebook from my phone.  I have no idea why.  I can still post them from my computer. I can still post them on the the pages and groups that I am in from my phone but not to my personal timeline.  I always wonder when things like that happen, if it is a sign...perhaps I should uninstall the app from my phone for awhile...(gasp)!

I really would be a better listener and I wouldn't have what feels like self induced ADHD if I weren't so distracted by Facebook, Twitter, incoming texts, etc. 

Several years ago, I was sure that I was suffering from early alzheimers.  I bought a book about  memory.  It turns out, that if you are not actually listening or paying attention, you will not remember past events.  So for example, if I ask my husband what he wants for dinner but then read an email while he answers (thereby not listen); I will have no way to recall the information (his response) later. Well imagine that. I was relieved to know that what I didn't have was alzheimers...but what I actually had was bad listening skills.  I am still working on this.  Be patient with me.

Another one of my bad habits is to leave a trail behind me.  You can tell where I have been and basically what I was doing.  I literally will leave a trail.  I come home and leave my shoes in the kitchen.  I set my purse on the counter.  I open mail and leave it where I read it.  I drink a cup of coffee and leave the mug where I was.  I play piano and leave my books out and the piano open.  My husband has learned to accept this about me.  Every night I go to bed and he stays up a couple of extra minutes.  He neatly piles my "stuff" in a stack that he actually refers to as, "your stack". So I might say, "I can't find my work badge" and he will reply, "It's in your stack."  He has given up I think.  I haven't.  I have to admit, I am offended though if he puts something in my stack that doesn't actually belong to me. I make sure to let him know what does not belong there.  This month, I meant to be better and leave less of a trail but I must be honest, the progress I have made has been mostly through back tracking and cleaning up the trail before everything ended up in my stack.  My true goal is to eliminate the trail altogether.  Acknowledgement of the issue is the first step to the solution, right?

The third thing I want to be mindful of is bringing compassion and helpfulness to situations.  This requires a nice deep breathe where I can create space to create a loving response.  I will never be perfect at this but I know I only improve when I focus on it.  I am always in such a hurry.  I feel so much better when I make myself slow down and be present.  Even time seems to move slower.  I have been doing this more this month than in recent prior months (many months).  I forgot how good it feels not to rush around.  The book I am reading (The Power of Now) has always been a helpful reminder of this for me.  As I write this, I recall another really good reference and that is, Slowing down to the speed of life by Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey. Put that on my February reading list as well.

I really didn't realize how hard this mindfulness month was going to be.  I will keep trying.  I will keep reminding myself to be present in the beauty and joy of this moment.  If my activity goes down or I disappear from Facebook, it is because I am busy paying attention.

Renewals & Wrapping up January

Many years ago, I adopted the tradition of picking a theme for the year.  This year I have set my theme as, My Year of Grace. I did so with the intent of working on a variety of things; in order to become a better person in a multitude of ways. I did something different this year though, I gave each month a subtitle or a focus if you will.

I named January, my month of renewal. I set my three January goals within that realm. This month is quickly wrapping up, but I am happy to say that I have successfully exceeded my blogging goal. I have started saving for a violin. And, I have donated or recycled over 93 items in the past month.

The most daunting goal this month, as expected, was to donate, recycle or toss at least three things for every day of the month.  Not because I didn’t have them to give, but because it was so time consuming.

I thought I was pretty crafty with the wording of that last goal since it would allow me to do it in big chunks rather than having to do a little bit every day, and I took full advantage.  I was able to meet my goal in 3-4 combined raids of my own closet and the kitchen cupboards.

Here is what I learned:

• Blogging is hard…until you get going.
• I can save money but I truly would rather spend it.
• I have always enjoyed donating and recycling but I also hold on to some things way longer than I should.
• I am glad that I built flexibility into my goals.

I practically enjoyed spending hours going through my closet and cupboards.  I found it to be true that once you get rid of the first couple of items, it becomes easier to pile on.  Mostly, I got rid of clothes that had faded or that I certainly liked…but only on the hanger.  I don’t tend to keep clothes that don’t fit me; mainly because I want the room in my closet for new clothes.

When I attacked the kitchen it was more out of frustration of having to continually duck the falling water bottles when I opened the cupboard or climb in up to my waist to find the right Tupperware lid. This was actually a relatively easy task. Again, I just needed to make the time for it.  I did not cry over getting rid of plastic anything but instead I rejoiced in the organization of my newly found cupboard space.

I am pretty sure that my husband loved my January goal.  He happily transferred my piles into donation bags, walked them to the end of the driveway and arranged for a charity foundation to pick them up pronto.

Now when I am getting dressed and I put on a shirt that is even a fraction too short, too tight/loose, or faded; it goes in the donation pile not back on the hanger.  My world feels a little more spacious and I am off to a great year.

Running with Benefits...

It’s interesting to look back at the blog that I wrote when I first started running. Back then, I had a preference to run alone. Now, I couldn’t live without the girls I run with.

I read once that running will make you stronger in more ways than you think. I didn’t give the statement much thought. I started running to fulfill something that I had on my life list; to run a 5k. I remember looking at the schedule and doubting that I would be able to run 30 minutes straight by the end. I thought I would be the one that the program didn’t work for. I am an optimist by nature but I could barely run a block when I started.

I plunged in anyway. I followed the schedule. I felt great. I felt bad. I was happy. I was scared. I was sad. I made friends. I ran a 5k. I was ecstatic. I became so much stronger in so many ways. Running taught me that with perseverance anything is possible. 

Back then I thought I preferred to run indoors. Who wouldn’t want a controlled temperature while exercising? I would hit the track for my work out if I could. But as time went on, I opened my eyes to the beauty of running outside. The sun would fill me with vitamin D and lift me up. The rain would cool me off and the snow would fall gently; making feel like I was in a snow globe. I learned to dress appropriately. I learned to leave one headphone out so that I could hear the wonderful sounds. Running taught me that with a little effort, adaptation and magic happen.

I used to choose my routes carefully; nice and flat. But one of the places I love to run has a fairly hilly section. In order to get the good, I had to run through the bad. I even named the worst of the hills, the f-you hill.  My goal was always to make it all the way up the hill no matter what. Then I could say, f-you and even take a break if I needed to. But as time went on, I learned to love the hills; even look forward to them and to run them all without stopping. Without a doubt, they made me feel like Wonder Woman. Running the hills taught me that I will become stronger by taking adversity head on.

The women I run with have seen me at my absolute worst. They know when I have had a bad day at work or at home and they know without a doubt when I have had a bad day on the asphalt. It’s hard not to form an unbreakable bond when you share blood, sweat and tears. These are the women that have also seen me at my best. They know when something great has happened in my life, they know when I am excited or I have something to celebrate. They are quick to join me in adventure and play. They are my cheerleaders, my best friends.

These are the women who will come to my rescue no matter what the problem is or the time of day. They will lift me up. They will run with me, eat chocolate with me and drink wine with me. I am so grateful for them. Running has taught me that there are no friends quite like the ones I run with.

The Mini-Happiness Project Begins

I belong to a group called the Aspire Success Club.  The Aspire Success Club is a group of women who set personal goals together and then encourage and support each other in achieving those goals.  We learn together by reading specific books, talking things over and sharing our ideas & personal experiences. I have made many friendships all over the U.S. because of the Aspire Group; this group definitely helps me to be a better person.

This year with the support of Aspire, I am conducting a Mini-Happiness Project.  This means that instead of setting one bold goal for 2013, I will be setting 1-3 mini goals for each month of the year.  I devised this plan by talking my feelings over with the Founder of  Aspire, Dr. Christi Hegstad, who (lucky for me) also happens to be my friend and mentor. Together we agreed that this would be a good project for me because, although I feel that my life is not in need of any major changes this year; I still want to improve. 

For the month of the January, my goals are:

1. To begin blogging on a regular basis  (at least bi-weekly)
2. To donate, recycle or toss at least three things for every day of the month
3. To begin saving for a violin

With the writing of this, I am well on my way with the first goal.  I must admit that I originally had the intention of blogging once per week minimum but realistically, I don't think I will choose to fit it in.  As you can see, I started this blog two years ago and last year I only wrote one blog. 

As for the second goal, I have some photos to share.

On the first day, I was looking for something in the dreaded Tupperware cupboard (which always seems to be in disarray).  I had one of those moments where I just started to pull EVERYTHING out of the cupboard in order to organize it by size and shape.  At the very back of the shelf I found (and recycled) Fig 1. 

After a job well done, I put my feet up. Yes, that is a hole in my sock second toe on the left in Fig 2.  I threw this pair of socks in the garbage.

And lastly, after letting several days rack up, I made the pile in Fig 3.



Fig 1



Fig 2

Fig 3




 


My third goal is to have saved enough money to purchase a violin in July. This is probably going to be the easiest of these three goals.

Thanks for sharing in my journey. I am glad you are here!